Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
They took my balls.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys