Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?