1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.