I bet he comes in French.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
