Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
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You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
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No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"