If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
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The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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