Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
