Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
