I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
