after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
