Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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