I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
