VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
