He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
