if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
