What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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