when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
