This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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