you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
