They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
