to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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