Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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