Your tits are I can't wait for
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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