Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
