I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
