Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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