its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
