Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
