I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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