I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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