Umm I'm too high to move.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All the doctor said was why
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
