this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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