I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
