Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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