Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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