If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
