I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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