I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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