Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
