Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
