I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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