So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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