He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
