btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
