I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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