just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
