Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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