tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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