oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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