It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
