I was born with a shot glass in my hand
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
