I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
