she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
