When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
