It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
