Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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