I'm so fucking centered right now
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
