After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
