there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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