Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
