you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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